Well, I’m not sure where I’ll be going with this. But I wrote a poem, and thought I would start there.

12/20/2020

Perspective

My perspective has changed. 
I didn’t want it to.
It was hard.  
It was sudden.
And It was brutal.

I was one of those.  The ones who didn’t understand.
I didn’t understand how it felt to be suddenly left alone.
To be ripped in half, and yet still have to live every day pretending to still be whole.
I didn’t understand the magnitude of loss.

And then suddenly, I did.  

One moment, I was a wife, ready for a day of work. Watching my husband come through the door after his morning run.

The next moment, I became a widow.  

I’ve known other people who became widows, and I felt bad for their loss.  
But now I understand it. 
I understand that no one can truly understand until they are unceremoniously inducted into the the club no one wants to join.

I didn’t understand that it’s more than just losing a person.
I did lose the person that knows me best.
The person that loved me no matter what.
The person that encouraged me, laughed with me, cried with me, and sometimes drove me crazy!

But I also lost my mechanic, my gardener, my cook, my carpenter, my engineer, my grocery shopper, my errand runner, my traveling companion.  That’s a condensed list, by the way.

But now, now I’m on a new journey.
As I emerge from the fog of grief, I have discovered new skills. 
I have discovered a new compassion and empathy for other grievers.
I am surprised to learn I am strong, pragmatic, and independent.
And I can still find joy in life.
And God still has plans for Me.

I definitely have a new perspective.

9/14/21

Decisions

Decisions.  I’ve always hated decisions.  It was so nice when I had someone to share that process, to give a different perspective, to research solutions.  

Decisions are so much harder to make on your own.  

  • How can I know I’m doing the right thing?  
    • Who do I ask?  
      • Who can give me advice? 

Sometimes I feel I’m drowning under the weight of circumstances beyond my control. I can see the end, what needs to be accomplished.  But here I am, at the beginning, with no answers, just an endless list of questions, and the uncertainty of where to start.

Help me Lord to place this in Your hands. Guide my steps. Send me people with the knowledge I can trust. Fill my heart with your peace as I travel this road.